I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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