and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just found puke in my bra..
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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