was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...