I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
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I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
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Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize