How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
