The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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