weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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