Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
