It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
