Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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