He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
