oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
