just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
