Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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