Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
