glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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