I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
