so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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