I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
