Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
