All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
