Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
