My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
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Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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