Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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