Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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