You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
