maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Randomize
