i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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