I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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