Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
