So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
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she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
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Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am