I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...