Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
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Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
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If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means