i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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