I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
