I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
