I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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