he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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