What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
