I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
