theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
