Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
