Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
