At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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