My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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