I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
