508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
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Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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