Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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