How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
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