I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just invented taco cereal.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
