everyone is single if you try hard enough
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
