so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
