dude i'm inner monologue high
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize