3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
