I think I died a long time ago.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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