capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
