my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
