i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
