no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
