he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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