i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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